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From section 7, Dementia and Death, of Saltian
Randomness near the end
By Alice Shapiro
a.
If not for spaces between one chaos and another
would I lose a grip
on love, on peace
on knowing when to bring
the trash to curb on Sunday eve?
b.
A late sun empties its dwindling warmth
on my shoulder
so I may drench my soul with the heat
my belief with hope
my gratitude with the inner smile
of one who knows the undeserved sometimes reap
what others sow
a life of toil, wrong attitudes
unproductive moves, unrelenting descents
into oblivion must be sent packing.
c.
From a perch on a bent tree
dangling on a fragile bench
wondering if a leap will bring a fall
or flight into another wondrous conquest,
eyes close, ablaze.
Critique
By Courtney Leigh Jameson
The first two stanzas seem somewhat abstract with the use of words like “hope,” “love,” “peace”–those are very obscure and more emotional, not physical. It would be nice to replace these words maybe with some physical representation of peace, love, or hope. The last stanza has detailed images where I can physically see the “conquest” taking place. The first two stanzas are also a bit wordy and could use a reduction. For instance, “on my shoulder,/drenching me in the heat/like hope shown through/my inner smile … ” That would encompass the physical embodiment of hope, “through the inner smile” and cut down on some of the random language. The idea of the poem is interesting though because these are random things at the end … the end being a different outcome for each stanza, each image. And the “undeserved reap” is a great image/line!
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Courtney Leigh Jameson is the Editor in Chief of The Bruised Peach Press poetry zine, a monthly newsletter dedicated to people who have a passion for poetry. She received her Bachelor of Arts in Creative Writing at Arizona State University and is currently attending Saint Mary’s College of California for her MFA in poetry.
