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From section 6, The Pantaloon, Old Age, of Saltian
Original face
By Alice Shapiro
If I had only known,
I would have been a locksmith.
–Albert Einstein
The man
white, gut-flab, white flakes
scattered on a navy-jacket shoulder
walks the foyer, sweeps over
marble squares in flip-toed satin slippers.
The man drops his heavy frame —
mutton-stuffed, driven here and there —
upon a velvet cushion. Sighs.
His woes encumber, restrict all movement.
Still and glassy eyes flicker at each grumble:
–the note that’s due
–the errant worker
–the crumbling empire
How long it stood, a fine Fort Knox
building gold, prospering empty pockets.
As the crimson embers fade
and a gray chill begets a hemorrhage
of reckoning
he sees, in one gloss
the dream before the dream.
Critique
By Dr. David B Axelrod
Original face
If I had only known,
I would have been a locksmith.
–Albert Einstein
The man Why mention that he is white? perhaps, instead, he is pale?
white, gut-flab, white flakes “gut” is jarring, more so hyphenated. Why not “flabby?”
scattered on a navy-jacket shoulder Dandruff is disconcerting enough. Leave out
the navy color.
walks the foyer, sweeps over
marble squares in flip-toed satin slippers. I can’t picture “flip-toed.”
The man drops his heavy frame —
mutton-stuffed, driven here and there – He’s a lamb eater?
upon a velvet cushion. Sighs. Cushion? Is it on the floor? “Couch?”
His woes encumber, restrict all movement. “restrict?” He’s walking?
Still and glassy eyes flicker at each grumble: If they flicker, are they still?
–the note that’s due
–the errant worker
–the crumbling empire
How long it stood, a fine Fort Knox
building gold, prospering empty pockets. Nice lines to characterize a business…
As the crimson embers fade Is there a fireplace nearby or a metaphor for failure?
and a gray chill begets a hemorrhage “hemorrhage” does go with “crimson.”
of reckoning
he sees, in one gloss Interesting use of “gloss.”
the dream before the dream. This ties in with Einstein and our lacking foresight.
Thus I would rewrite this:
Original face
If I had only known,
I would have been a locksmith.
–Albert Einstein
The man, pale,
flabby, white flakes
scattered on his shoulders,
walks the foyer, sweeps over
marble squares in satin slippers.
He drops his heavy frame
on a velvet couch. Sighs, his woes
encumbering his movement.
His dark-ringed eyes flicker at each grumble:
–the note that’s due
–the errant worker
–the crumbling empire
How long it stood, a fine Fort Knox,
building gold, prospering empty pockets.
As its crimson embers fade,
a gray chill begets a hemorrhage
of reckoning,
he sees, in one gloss,
the dream before the dream.
This is a fine poem, given our current economy with all its sordid revelations,ruined careers and enterprises that we have witnessed. It encapsulates both the man and the greater vanity of human wishes.
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Dr. David B Axelrod is an author and sponsor of international writers’ programs covering dozens of countries and nearly 40 languages. He has presented as an author and educator globally. Dr. Axelrod is a student of 10 languages and author of 19 books and hundreds of articles. He is the only American to receive 2 back-to-back Fulbright Awards in separate areas (poet-in-residence in Yugoslavia and professor of American literature in Macedonia). With the award of his third Fulbright he became the first poet to be formally acknowledged as American Poet-in-Residence in the People’s Republic of China. Dr. Axelrod is the founder and vice president for Florida programs of Writers Unlimited Agency and he is founder and director of Creative Happiness Institute, Inc. For more information, visit his website, PoetryDoctor.org.
