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From section 4, Soldier, of Saltian
Distant wars
By Alice Shapiro
You cannot simultaneously prevent
and prepare for war.
–Albert Einstein
Brush-hidden jungle shrieks
fly at soldiers’ eyes.
Bat-like, they swoop to target.
Unawares, the heart-beat
races
alert.
Safe.
When rivals yield and reconcile
carrion in dreams still appear.
In time break-downs lapse
as memory’s duty dwindles
blessedly in the art of love.
Sons and daughters trade their freedom
for us.
Encrypted screens
in digital form
blast off legs, arms.
Distanced by machines
safe,
no harm juxtaposed
by giving killing signals,
the game remains
a general’s numbing verbal order.
Sons and daughters learn a trade.
Critique
By Charles Clifford Brooks III
This is a noble first run at not only what “war” has been to the human race, but what it is becoming. I see the evolution of battle in the mention of the new “digital age” of struggle that I remember first seeing in the CNN coverage of Desert Storm. It seemed on that eerie, green screen that the deaths of so many was reduced to a video game. This poem does a good job of marrying the present/future with the age-old dark side of human nature.
Yet, the language here could benefit from being taken out of a general sense. Poetry shouldn’t be needlessly cryptic (which this isn’t), but some room for wonder isn’t a bad thing. The oldest rule of poetry I can remember is, “Show, don’t tell.” There is an abundant amount of telling here with a sliver of show. There is obviously a clear connection mentally and emotionally between the poet and this topic. A suggestion to boost that truth is adding a viewpoint that knocks at the back door or climbs through a window.
There is no room to argue that the blood poured into this piece is from a deep, deep place (almost) beyond words. The main suggestion I have is to put a fresh eye on the language and rediscover a way to retell the tale from an unexpected angle. This is an exciting start where war is fleshed out to remind us all that pain comes before, during, and well after the first shot.
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Charles Clifford Brooks III has had work published in The Dead Mule, Eclectica, Gloom Cupboard, The Smoking Poet, Red Fez, vox poetica, Asylum, Alba, Prick of the Spindle, Zygote in My Coffee, and The Cartier Street Review. His poetry has been featured on the Joe Milford Poetry Show and vox poetica’s 15 Minutes of Poetry. Charles’ first book of poetry, Whirling Metaphysics, is in the final stages of prepublication negotiation and he expects to know a launch date soon.
