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From section 4, Soldier, of Saltian
Corporate war zones
By Alice Shapiro
One desk quiet
an open book cradled between two
fatted, idle hands;
one desk pressured to fulfill
dull tasks
at high speeds, perfectly
executed.
Un-
even
justice
Four white walls
with no ventilation
choking down indignation.
A war begins—
the bayonet of hate squashing hope
the guillotine, the trap
pushing back sparks of freedom.
“If a standard
blueprint rules
don’t digress.”
The crowd’s most popular voice will drown the flower
less power to imitate the mating salmon
besieged in home-bound waters.
Yet, fame was still accomplished
by worthy ones
like V.P. Wallace Stevens, Einstein patent king
some unnamed, yet-to-be-discovered scholar
and one wonders
if the temperament of one’s suffering
makes better art?
Critique
By David Axelrod
I like a poem confident in its direction—one that uses fresh language, makes leaps and inventions with imagery, but also gives me confidence that I “get it.” I don’t believe every poem has to have a clear meaning. I certainly don’t think there is ever only once correct interpretation for a poem. But with this poem, I read it several times and felt it did have a very specific intention/message. Thus, I revised it to quicken it and both unify and clarify it.
Structurally, I went for consistent punctuation (which it mostly already had); a more regular line length (if not a regular “measure”); a little more discipline in each of the 3 stanzas having the same 10 lines in length.
I also took out abstractions such as “uneven justice” which came too early to be “earned” by the opening stanzas. I got rid of the hyperbole of “bayonet … guillotine … freedom.” None of that is needed. With a few more tweaks, I think the poem now flows nicely to an important point. Nice work, Alice!
Corporate war zones
One desk is quiet,
an open book
cradled between two
fatted, idle hands.
Another desk,
pressured to fulfill
dull tasks
at high speeds,
perfectly
executed.
Four white walls
with no ventilation
choking down indignation.
The crowd’s voice
can drown the swimmer. Notice the change, so as not to mix a metaphor below.
“Standard blueprint
rules. Don’t digress.”
Less power for the
salmon besieged in
home-bound waters.
Yet, fame is there
for the worthy ones
like V.P. Wallace Stevens,
Einstein the patent king,
or some unnamed, yet-
to-be-discovered scholar.
Still, one wonders
if such suffering
makes better art?
#####
Dr. David B Axelrod is an author and sponsor of international writers’ programs covering dozens of countries and nearly 40 languages. He has presented as an author and educator globally. Dr. Axelrod is a student of 10 languages and author of 19 books and hundreds of articles. He is the only American to receive 2 back-to-back Fulbright Awards in separate areas (poet-in-residence in Yugoslavia and professor of American literature in Macedonia). With the award of his third Fulbright he became the first poet to be formally acknowledged as American Poet-in-Residence in the People’s Republic of China. Dr. Axelrod is the founder and vice president for Florida programs of Writers Unlimited Agency and he is founder and director of Creative Happiness Institute, Inc. For more information, visit his website, PoetryDoctor.org.
