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From section 4, Soldier, of Saltian
A son’s war
By Alice Shapiro
Soldier, soldier
with angel cheeks of rosy hue
from the hike in sweltering heat
in mud and climbing hill upon hill
from the strike to an enemy
who stares back shocked
at a bullet’s source
wishing then he could surrender
to prison instead of death.
Fresh and dewy,
a babe with gun
barely loosed from parents’ grasp,
protects a country.
It is a concept large and altering
that builds strong leaders
where childhood once began.
Critique
By Kenneth Karrer
At its beginning the poem evokes Blake’s “The Tyger.” I’ve always loved that poem. Putting the two words “soldier” together … side by side as it were … could be something interesting to investigate at the poem’s end or in the second verse. The early meter also evokes a sort of marching rhythm. There’s a starkness in the first stanza which I find to be the poem’s strength. That could be amplified by excising a word or two. I’d like to see the author consider dropping the words “sweltering” in line 3 and “climbing” in line 4 so that the poem would read:
Soldier, soldier
with angel cheeks of rosy hue
from the hike
in heat,
in mud,
and hill upon hill.
From the stike
an enemy stares back
shocked
at a bullet’s source
wishing then he could surrender
to a prison
instead of
death.
I also like the slight vagueness of the pronoun “he.” The reader’s first thought is that it refers to the target of the bullet, but that’s not necessarily so. I also recommend to end the poem right there. The second stanza is not as mature as the first and distracts from the strength and simplicity of the first verse. A second verse could move to the commonalities of the two soldiers joined by death though that wouldn’t necessarily require a stanza. It could be done in a line or two. This poem has great promise. It’s writer hit a great vein.
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Kenneth Karrer grew up just outside of Austin, Texas hauling hay, working on oil rigs, pumping gas and playing football. He received degrees in English, history, and education and worked as a teacher, coach and high school administrator for 32 years. Ken lives in Austin and now works for the Texas Education Agency. He is a musician and an avid car restorer. His poems have recently been featured in vox poetica and Caper Literary Journal.
