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From section 3, Desire, of Saltian
Jealous plate
By Alice Shapiro
Alone, under an umbrella’d bistro
wild geese passing by
I peered skyward and backward.
Why?
It was a plea from once-kissed lips…
Where is the absent occupant
whose chair should be energized
with laughs and conversation
exchanging giddy romances?
The prize escaped, dining elsewhere.
Dinner came
arranged luxuriously on heated china.
I ate politely
thinking hate.
Her arms entangled round his wrist.
Pretzel-twisted feelings rose
accompanied by my swallow-gulps
of undigested Bourbon shrimp.
I drowned in angered waters
cursed Fate.
Critique
By Jean McLeod
I loved this poem. While of a serious nature, there appears to be an undercurrent of humor that gives it even more charm. The subject matter, lost love, is universal, with the feeling of jealousy and the surety that one will die making it compelling. The arrangement of stanzas, four lines followed by one line, is rhythmic, pleasing in sound and on the page.
The first stanza begins in the first person past tense, while the third changes to first person present. The author may have done this purposefully. Also, the third stanza addresses the chair, rather than a person. It might be more effective to speak of a “love” or “lover” than an inanimate object and to choose a more personal verb in the second line than “energize.” Again, in the third stanza, “Exchanging giddy romances” seems a little forced, and might be a place to study. The fourth stanza returns to past tense.
The denouement “I drowned in angered waters/Cursed Fate” is effective for placement on the page and for the ambiguity—did she REALLY, or did she WANT to drown??? GOOD SHOW! Thanks for a great ride!
Observations:
Jealous plate Great title
Alone, under an umbrella’d bistro a bit of a tongue-twister with all of the “a”s
wild geese passing by
I peered skyward, and backward. Beautiful!
Why?
Where is (was?) my absent love “love” seems more to the point than “occupant”
whose chair presence should enchant be energized perhaps concentrate on the person not the chair?
with laughter and conversation
the exchange of giddy glance? romances?
The prize escaped, dined elsewhere. back to past tense; I’m pretty sure it’s on purpose
Dinner came
I ate politely
thinking hate.
Her arms entangled round his wrist. Love this!
Pretzel-twisted feelings rose
accompanied by my swallow-gulps
of undigested Bourbon shrimp.
I drowned in angered waters
cursed Fate.
For efficacy, and only that, since I do not expect Alice to adopt all or, indeed, any of these observations, this is what the poem would look like if they were put into effect without comments:
Jealous plate
By Alice Shapiro
Alone, under umbrella’d bistro
wild geese passing by
I peered skyward, backward.
Why?
A plea from once-kissed lips:
Where is my absent love
whose presence should enchant
with laughter and conversation
the exchange of giddy glance?
The prize escaped, dined elsewhere.
Dinner came
luxurious on heated china.
I ate politely
thinking hate.
Her arms entangled round his wrist.
Pretzel-twisted feelings rose
accompanied by my swallow-gulps
of undigested Bourbon shrimp.
I drowned in angered waters
cursed Fate.
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Jean McLeod is a sometimes poet, full-time joyful person, happy beach bum, and fortunate friend of talented writers. Her work has appeared recently in Vox Poetica, Leaf Garden Press, Word Gathering, Spinetinglers, Rust+Moth, Touch: the Journal of Healing, and other publications.
